How mindfulness makes you a better lover

Topic: How mindfulness makes you a better lover
Title: It’s time to mind that relationship
When you start liking somebody, little habits and gestures become signs that you read minutely to understand the nature of the person you are interested in. What is their favorite food? What kind of music they like? How they laugh when they are nervous and what clothes they feel the most comfortable in? From a little smirk at the corner of their lips to the silent words that are evident on their face – everything speaks loudly and the message is clear to you without you even having to try that hard.
A few years down the line, the charm of first attraction looks more like the distant echo of a fading memory. After a few years of slaving over an endless string of necessities and a practically ceaseless series of fights later, you are left wondering what went wrong and when. Is this the person you fell for? Or is this a mere shadow of what they used to be. Don’t worry; you did not make a bad choice. It’s a bit of a “been there, done that” territory for all of us and there are more people struggling with this seemingly expanding void in their relationships than you would care to think about. While it is nothing to go all berserk over; there is no denying that the relationship is in dire need of an attention boost. After all, you can only take so much of casual talks over dinners, before the detachment starts to weigh in on you.
It is a known fact that physical presence is vastly, if not completely, different from emotional presence. To actually listen to what the other person is saying and not just nodding without hearing it; understanding what they are trying to convey not just staring blankly at them – these seemingly trivial things form the bedrock of a good relationship. Mindlessness is the bane of proper communication, the lack of which can effectively put a stop to a connection that has just started to progress. While inattentiveness or mindlessness is categorically attributed to couples who have been together for at least a few years, the reality is far from that popular belief. With so many distractions and responsibilities plaguing people in their every waking moment, relationship issues or even necessary communication is generally put on the back burner.  And before long it all comes down to “you live your life and I’ll live mine.” So, bye bye love.
Psychiatrists agree that more than half of their cases nowadays are basic relationship issues which can be easily dealt with if given the time of the day. They opine that while people have all the intention of being there for their partner, both physically and mentally, it is the mental part where they hit a roadblock. Gathering one’s thoughts and needs and concentrating on the moment is something that is readily becoming a thing of the past. With smart devices scattered all around, the urge to fiddle with one of them is hard to ignore. Lifestyles now are vastly different than what they used to be a few decades back and every one of these factors are making people more and more unmindful.
Imagine getting caught in a heated moment with your partner and not being able to satisfy them just because you are distracted despite wanting to be there with all your body, mind and heart! Imagine getting into an argument with your partner and getting increasingly irritated by the moment and ending up reacting in a deeply undesirable way. How many times has it happened that you have regretted not listening to what you partner had to say? How many times have you felt frustrated for not being able to give it your all during intimate moments? How many times have you felt repentant for saying something angrily that you did not mean? Thankfully we are not wired in a way so that we would have to just accept this attitude and do nothing about it. Psychiatrists and relationship counselors agree on the fact that systematic practice of mindfulness can help people understand a situation properly and act accordingly in a rational way. So every time you are angry or frustrated or confused, you do not have to fall prey to irrational or impulsive reactions that you would regret for a long time.
How exactly can mindfulness help you to make your relationship with your partner better?
ü It makes you less defensive about baseless assumptions, so that you are better able to hear and respond to what's actually happening at a given moment rather than reacting out of old habits.
ü You become more receptive to genuine connection - both emotional and physical and are better able to nurture that connection.
The most obvious questions now would be how mindfulness manages to bring about such drastic changes in one’s attitude and here are some interesting explanations for that:
· It brings down the level of anxiety and stress that keeps mounting due to work and life pressures. Thus irrational anger subsides, making it easier to concentrate. Focusing on the issue at hand obviously helps to think about better ways to manage it.
· Studies have shown that there is an increase (both in size and activation) of the middle pre-frontal cortex (mPFC). According to neuroscientists this area integrates our higher, "intellectual" brain areas (for example, your frontal cortex) with those down below controlling our “raw” emotions. Having a more formidable mPFC allows you to bridge the gap between these two areas making it easier to analyze emotions and then form suitable reaction instead of just emotionally reacting.
· It helps you to keep a track of the time when your mind starts to wander off. Doing that enables you to force your mind to stay in one place and thus be completely aware of what’s going on then and there.
We all know meditation makes us more mindful; however, very few are actually aware of its definitive benefits. The goal is to achieve a calmer, peaceful mind and that won’t just happen by thinking about it. For getting started with mindful meditation, one has to set up a favorable environment where you won’t be easily disturbed. At first it is better to start with short ten to fifteen minutes sessions and gradually increase the time. The right posture and control of breathing have to be perfected too and thoughts will stop going haywire without you even realizing it.
The person who is special to you must be treated that way so that they are not left feeling insignificant in your life. The relationship and that person are worth putting in a genuine effort. When you start working towards changing yourself for the better, half the battle is won. Mindfulness practices enable you to actually achieve what you want and give your partner the love they deserve.

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